Women Dating Tips and Advice

Continued From Detox Your Life – Toxic Friendship

Warning Sign: When he’s mad at you there’s always a good reason (“I can’t believe you did that to me”). But when the tables are turned, he dismisses your concerns (“Don’t be so sensitive”).

Mend It: Clarify your goals and set limits. “People usually say they want the bad stuff to go away, but they don’t focus on what they’d like to replace it with,” says Bernstein. Tell your partner what you want in specific, nonjudgmental terms. “If his tardiness is the big issue, don’t say, `I wish you were more reliable.’ Try, `If you can’t be here within 15 minutes of the time you say you will, please call me,”‘ he says. “Many people think you shouldn’t use ultimatums in loving relationships. But you must set contingencies: ‘Give me what I want and this is what you get, and if you don’t this is what will happen.’”

End It: Obviously, you shouldn’t work as hard at a month-long relationship as you would at a marriage. Regardless of the length of the union, however, Coleman says, there are certain signs that suggest you should seriously consider leaving: physical or verbal abuse, very controlling behavior (e.g., he tries to isolate you from your friends and family) and frequent insults.

Getting out of an entrenched relationship is tough, so understand that your judgment may be impaired. Rely on people you trust for perspective and support, says Coleman. Depending on the severity of the situation, you may want to consult a therapist or call a domestic-violence hot line for advice.

When you are ready to end it, make as clean a break as possible, says Coleman. That means no conversation about why you can’t be together, no rehashing of old arguments. “Engage the toxic person and you just let him back into your head,” he says. If there are children involved or another reason why he will remain in your life, depend on your friends and others to help keep you from falling back in with him. Have faith that eventually you will develop clarity about the issue-and that you will find a relationship that feeds and nurtures you.